"Children are the anchors that hold a mother to life."

                                         - Sophocles -

The day has come, the time is now.

And oh how bittersweet this truly is ... the hardest thing I have EVER had to do - leave my beautiful, gorgeous, very special boys behind for now.  What an absolute ache, even though I know time goes by so quickly & they will soon be with me again, this is truly THE most heartbreaking time of my life.

"Making the decision to have a child is momentous.

It is to decide forever to have your 

heart go walking around outside 

your body."

                                                  - Elizabeth Stone -

So I really do leave my heart behind for now, split in two, walking around a continent away from me ...There will not be a second of a minute of an hour of a day that my boys will be far from my thoughts.  As any mother knows, no matter how old you & no matter how old your children get, they will always be your babies, always be your miracle of life.  That your whole universe changed & nothing was ever the same again, nothing seemed exactly as it seemed before, what the world meant & what everything meant was forever altered when the strongest relationship on earth was born - the indelible, indestructible love of a parent & a child.

There are 3 things I leave behind with my boys, with Josh & Kyle.  The first is my heart for they are my world, my life, they are my everything.  

The second is the amazing essay, 'The Awakening'.  Truly inspirational, truly what life should be, the gift that every parent should give to their child - powerful, powerful words that resonate with every single person who reads them ...

The third thing I leave them is a wish, for them and for whatever the future may hold for them:

"There are only two lasting bequests we can hope to give our children.  One of these is roots, the other wings."

                                      - Carter Hodding -

I truly pray Josh & Kyle, that I have given you roots for then I would consider myself, not a perfect mother for there is no such thing, but a good mother.  And I truly pray that your wings are strong, sensitive, confident, loving, self-nurturing, courageous and open to all the wonderful possibilities that are out there for you.

I love you Joshua & Kyle.

All my love, hugs and kisses forever, 

Mom

Countdown Almost Over ...

"And then the day came,

when the risk

to remain tight

in a bud

was more painful

than the risk 

it took

to Blossom."

          - Anais Nin -

Well, it's almost time ... time to leap, and hope the net will appear!!  'Things' are rationalised, tickets booked, bags are packed, and it's almost time to get on that plane.  Oh boy, there's no turning back now.  

What an amazing feeling of freedom it is to rationalise the 'things' in your life and make your way ahead with 1 suitcase and 2 boxes - and that's it!  Wow, no baggage at all and you suddenly realise how unimportant 'things' really and truly are.

I am excited and nervous all at the same time for this bittersweet moment to arrive.  Forging ahead with passion and determination, leaving behind so much of me - my boys, my friends, my family.  

To sate my love of beauty, I look forward to arriving in the small coastal town of Hythe in Kent for my stay at the Hillside Manor while I await the arrival of Ruby Rose - or Rsquared as Wings put it :-) - and make a start on my new beginning ... UK here I come!

-The Awakening-

A time comes in your life when you finally get it …

When in the midst of all your fears & insanity you stop dead in your tracks & somewhere the voice inside your head cries out – enough!  Enough fighting & crying or struggling to hold on.

And, like a child quieting down after a blind tantrum, your sobs begin to subside, you shudder once or twice, you blink back your tears & through a mantle of wet lashes you begin to look at the world through new eyes.  This is your awakening. 

You realise that it’s time to stop hoping & waiting for something to change, or for happiness, safety & security to come galloping over the next horizon.  You come to terms with the fact that he is not Prince Charming & you are not Cinderella, or vice versa, & that in the real world there aren’t always fairy tale endings (or beginnings for that matter) & that any guarantee of ‘happily ever after’ must begin with you, & in the process … a sense of serenity is born of acceptance.

You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect, & that not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are … & that’s okay.  They are entitled to their own views & opinions.

And you learn the importance of loving & championing yourself, & in the process … a sense of newly found confidence is born of self-approval.

You stop bitching & blaming other people for the things they did to you (or didn’t do for you) & you learn that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected.  You learn that people don’t always say what they mean or mean what they say, & that not everyone will always be there for you, & that it’s not always about you.  So, you learn to stand on your own & to take care of yourself & in the process … a sense of safety & security is born of self-reliance.

You stop judging & pointing fingers, & you begin to accept people as they are, & to overlook their shortcomings & human frailties &, in the process … a sense of peace & contentment is born of forgiveness.

You realise that much of the way you view yourself, & the world around, is a result of all the messages & opinions that have been ingrained into your psyche.  And you begin to sift through all the crap you have been fed about how you should behave, how you should look, how much you shouldn’t weigh, what you should wear, where you should shop, what you should drive, how & where you should live, what you should do for a living, who you should sleep with, who you should marry, what you should expect of a marriage, the importance of having & raising children, or what you owe your parents.  You learn to open up to new worlds & different points of view.

And you begin reassessing & redefining who you are & what you really stand for.  You learn the difference between wanting & needing, & you begin to discard the doctrines & values you’ve outgrown, or should never have bought into to begin with, & in the process … you learn to go with your instincts.

You learn that it is truly in giving that we receive.  And that there is power & glory in creating & contributing, & you stop maneuvering through life merely as a ‘consumer’ looking for your next fix.  You learn the principles of honesty & integrity are not the outdated ideals of a bygone era, but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build a life.

You learn that you don’t know everything, it’s not your job to save the world, & that you can’t teach a pig to sing.  You learn to distinguish between guilt & responsibility, & the importance of setting boundaries & learning to say no.  You learn that the only cross to bear is the one that you choose to carry, & that martyrs get burned at the stake.

Then you learn about love.  Romantic love & familial love.  How to love, how much to give in love, when to stop giving, & when to walk away.  You learn not to project your needs or feelings onto a relationship.  You learn that you will not be more beautiful, more intelligent, more loveable, or important because of the man or woman on your arm or the child that bears your name.  You learn to look at relationships as they really are & not as you would have them be.

You stop trying to control people, situations & outcomes.  You learn that as people grow & change, so it is with love … & you learn that you don’t have the right to demand love on your terms … just to make you happy.  And you learn that alone does not mean lonely …

And you look in the mirror & come to terms that you will never be a size 5 or a perfect 10 & you stop trying to compete with the image inside your head & agonising over how you ‘stack up’.

You also stop working so hard at putting your feelings aside, smoothing things over, & ignoring your needs.  You learn that feelings of entitlement are perfectly okay … & that it is your right to want things & to ask for things that you want … & that sometimes it is necessary to make demands.  You come to the realization that you deserve to be treated with love, kindness, sensitivity & respect, & you will not settle for less.

And you allow only the hands of a lover who cherishes you, to glorify you with his or her touch … & in the process you internalize the meaning of self-respect.  And you realise that your body really is your temple.

You learn that fatigue diminishes the spirit & can create doubt & fear, so you take more time to rest.  And just as food fuels the body, laughter fuels our soul, so you take more time to laugh & to play.

You learn that, for the most part, in life you get what you believe you deserve … & that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophecy.  You learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for, & that wishing for something to happen is different from working toward making it happen.

More importantly, you learn that in order to achieve success, you need direction, discipline & perseverance.  You also learn that no one can do it all alone & that it’s okay to risk asking for help.

You learn that the only thing that you must truly fear is the greatest robber baron of all time – fear itself.  You learn to step right into & through your fears, because you know that whatever happens you can handle it & to give into fear is to give away the right to live life on your terms.  And you learn to fight for your life & not to squander it living under a cloud of impending doom.  You learn that life isn’t always fair, you don’t always get what you think you deserve, & that sometimes bad things happen to unsuspecting, good people.  On these occasions you learn not to personalise things.  You learn that God is not punishing you or failing to answer your prayers.  It’s just life happening.

And you learn to deal with evil in its most primal state – the ego.  You learn that negative feelings such as anger, envy, & resentment must be understood & redirected, or they will suffocate the life out of you & poison the universe that surrounds you.  You learn to admit when you are wrong & to build bridges instead of walls.  You learn to be thankful & to take comfort in many of the simple things we take for granted, things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about – a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, a long hot shower.

Slowly, you begin to take responsibility for yourself … by yourself, & you try to make yourself a promise – to never betray yourself & to never settle for less than your heart’s desire.  And you hang a wind chime outside your window so you can listen to the wind.  And you make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting, & to stay open to every wonderful possibility.

Finally, with courage in your heart, you take a stand, you take a deep breath, & you begin to design the life you want to live as best you can.

-Sonny Carroll-

So Long, Farewell, Au Revoir, Arrivederci, Sayonara ...

May the road rise up to meet you, 
May the wind be ever at your back.  

May the sun shine warm upon your face 
And the rain fall softly on your fields.  

And until we meet again, 
May God hold you in the hollow of his hand.  

                                                                                                   ~Irish Blessing

So the goodbyes have started.  (Where is the "good" in "goodbye" I ask??)  Milly &I have spent the last 4 days in Nottingham Road with the folks which has been so special and so divine!  Thanks mom & dad - especially for putting up with the constant snacking of the pregnant fairy!

While here some inexplicable impulse made me decide to start knitting a scarf - given the fact that I last knitted blanket squares about 10 years ago for a school project for Josh & Kyle, this was indeedy a strange desire.  I thought it would be brilliant to be able to give my hands something to do on the plane too until mom reminded me that if they didn't allow face cream on the plane she didn't think knitting needles would make the grade!  Oh well, hope they've got "Eat, Pray, Love" on the movie list at least ...

What an emotional moment when mom presented me with a gift for RubyRose - a beautiful pale cream baby quilt with applique hearts and a single ruby rose in the centre.  Very, very special Mom - I love you xxxx

That's definitely decided her room colour scheme: cream, ruby and dusky pink ... I can picture it already.  

Talking of RubyRose, Kyle has decided she needs a second name ... "Otherwise mom, how is she going to know when you're cross with her??  KYLE ALEXANDER BRISTOW is SO effective you know!"  LOL. So any suggestions are welcome!  Thanks Kyle my love :-)


So friends goodbye's on Saturday and then family on Sunday ... wow, this is harder than I thought! 

Talking of family & mom's, someone special is in my thoughts ... Ness, I'm thinking of you and feel your heart ache xxx. Being a mom is not as simple as it sounds, as all us mom's know.  So often there is heartache involved that nobody warned us about.  You're the one they love & sometimes hate too ... & that is so painful for a mom.  Mom's & son's will ALWAYS have a special bond, no matter what. 

Remember these wise words my love:


"It's not easy being a mother.  If it were easy, fathers would do it."  ~ The Golden Girls
Hope that brings a smile to your face hun!


Love to you all till next time xxx

In The Beginning...

- Invictus -

Out of the night that covers me,

Black as the pit from pole to pole,

I thank whatever gods may be                               

For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance

I have not winced nor cried aloud.

Under the bludgeonings of chance

My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears

Looms but the Horror of the shade,

Any yet the menace of the years

Finds and shall find me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,

How charged with punishments the scroll,

I am the master of my fate:

I am the captain of my soul.

                                       William Ernest Henley

Invictus.  Unconquerable.  Watching the movie of the same name was the first time I heard the words of this poem believe it or not, and they resonated so strongly with my soul.  I, like so many of us, have been faced with challenge after challenge just trying to get along the road that has been laid down for me in this, my life path.  Sometimes I curse the inner strength that persists in fighting this battle, and wish I could just hand that over to someone else - let someone stronger who walks by my side, take my burden just for a little while, so I can just breathe for a bit, not have to be so strong so my spirit can recover and I can regroup.  Alas though, someone had far too much confidence in me when they dished out inner strength in the queue, apart from the fact that there is no one walking by my side to throw this load over too!!

So, why this blog?  

Well, I have been set on a new path in my life, under a new guiding lights, and it's something I want to share, whether it's just me that will read my musings once I have written them, or you that might get something, anything, out of them.  What is important to me is that I have reached a stage along my road where I need to do what I want to do. 

Maybe it's age, maybe not (although plucking one very obvious white eyebrow hair out this morning leads me to believe age might have something to do with it!), but it's time for me to take up this new beginning, to grab it with both hands and to run with it.  I have never been afraid of change - thank the pope cos I've been through damn plenty of it!! - and I fully embrace this new challenge with both arms wide open in acceptance of what will be, will be.

So I welcome you to my personal blog, my daily musings, my experiences with a new baby on the way, my travels and exploration of life in a new country and on a new continent , my photo's and my personal journey, and hope you enjoy the ride with me.

P.S.  I LURVE beautiful things - sayings, quotations, places, people, decor, pictures, photo's, you name it - they are what I call my SOUL FOOD cos they feed my spirit and my senses, and so you will find the look of this page will more than likely change pretty frequently ... it's my indulgence cos there are just so many beautiful ideas to choose from, I simply have to explore and show them all off!  I hope you get as much pleasure out of them as I do.  It's the simple things in life ...